The Hidden Cost of Masking: Why Neurodivergent People Should Be Accepted As They Are
Have you ever pretended to be someone you're not to fit in or avoid judgment? Worn the shoes that hurt your feet because you were trying for a certain “Look” in order to fit in? Eaten the slimy, icky food you hate because it would be “rude” not to? This behavior is called masking, and it is is something everyone does in order to meet the needs of others
For many neurodivergent people, this isn't just an occasional act—it’s a constant, exhausting and often unconscious effort. While masking might seem like a way to navigate a world that doesn’t understand or accept neurodivergent traits, it comes with serious challenges and risks to mental health. Let’s explore what masking is, why it happens, and how it can harm people’s well-being.
What Is Masking?
Masking is when someone hides or suppresses (consciously or unconsciously) traits, behaviors, or feelings that are natural to them in order to meet external expectations. For neurodivergent people, this might involve:
- Forcing eye contact, even when it feels uncomfortable or unnatural.
- Suppressing stimming behaviors (like fidgeting, humming, rocking, or tapping) that help with self-regulation.
- Mimicking social behaviors, facial expressions, or speech patterns to fit in with neurotypical peers.
- Hiding sensory sensitivities or pretending not to be overwhelmed in loud or bright environments
Masking isn’t about becoming someone else for fun, like wearing a Halloween costume. It’s a survival mechanism. Neurodivergent people often consciously mask because they fear being judged, bullied, or excluded. Most neurodivergent people have also been unconsciously masking their entire lives, hiding from themselves the things they are or are not doing to meet others’ needs. Unfortunately, while masking might help someone fit in temporarily, it often comes at a steep cost.
Why Does Masking Have Such a Negative Impact??
Imagine constantly curating one’s actions to “fit in better” (either consciously or unconsciously) Every. Single. Day. That’s what masking feels like. It is draining and denies neurodivergent people the freedom to express their authentic selves. It feels like running a marathon but never crossing the finish line.
Here’s why masking can be so challenging:
1. It Takes a Lot of Energy
Think about all the little things you do automatically during a conversation: making eye contact, responding to social cues, and finding the right tone of voice. For neurodivergent people, these things don’t come naturally. Masking means putting in extra effort to keep up, which can lead to burnout over time.
2. It Feels Inauthentic
Masking often forces neurodivergent people to hide their true selves. When you can’t express who you really are, it’s hard to feel accepted. Over time, this can lead to feelings of isolation and a loss of identity.
3. It Hides Needs
When neurodivergent people mask, they might hide behaviors or traits that actually help them cope. For example, stimming can be a way to release stress or regulate emotions, but masking requires suppressing those actions. This can lead to an increase in anxiety or sensory overload.
4. It’s Constantly Policed
Many neurodivergent people have been told they’re “too much” or “not enough.” This can create a cycle of self-doubt, where they’re always questioning if they’re acting the “right” way. Living under this microscope can make even small interactions feel overwhelming.
Social Skills Interventions: Teaching Masking Without Realizing It
Now, here’s where things get even more complicated. Many social skills programs designed for neurodivergent people teach masking. These interventions might focus on teaching “appropriate” eye contact, reducing stimming, or “fixing” behaviors that make someone stand out.
While the intention behind these programs might be to help neurodivergent individuals succeed in a neurotypical world, the result is often harmful. Instead of celebrating and accommodating natural differences, these interventions send the message that neurodivergent traits are wrong or need to be hidden. This can lead to:
Increased Anxiety and Depression
Suppressing natural behaviors can feel like being told, “You’re not good enough the way you are.” (OUCH!) Over time, this message can erode self-esteem and contribute to mental health struggles.
Loss of Identity
If someone spends years masking, they might lose touch with their true self. It’s hard to know who you really are when you’re always pretending to be someone else.
Nervous System Burnout
Constantly masking is exhausting. Many neurodivergent people experience nervous system burnout, which can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion and difficulty functioning. There are real and potentially long-term health consequences to masking.
What’s the Alternative to Masking?
Instead of teaching neurodivergent people to mask, society can choose to embrace and accommodate neurodiversity. As a person who works with or loves a neurodivergent person, you can help! Here are some ways we start:
1. Celebrate Differences
Neurodivergent traits like stimming, direct communication, or unique ways of thinking can be seen as strengths, not flaws. When we accept these differences, neurodivergent people can feel more comfortable being themselves, and we can learn some things about ourselves as well.
2. Create Safe Spaces
Environments that reduce sensory overwhelm and allow for authentic expression are essential. This might mean dimming lights, providing quiet spaces, or letting people stim freely without judgment. It doesn’t have to be hard.
3. Focus on Mutual Understanding
Instead of teaching neurodivergent people how to conform, we can educate people about the neurodivergent experience. And we can let neurodivergent people lead this effort – they are the experts in their experience. This fosters mutual understanding and creates a more inclusive world.
4. Support Self-Advocacy
Empower neurodivergent individuals to advocate for their needs and believe people when they share their needs with you. When people feel heard and valued, they’re less likely to feel pressured to mask.
Let’s Stop the Masking Expectation
Masking is a survival strategy, but it’s not a long-term solution. For neurodivergent people, the need to mask can be overwhelming, leading to serious mental health challenges. Instead of teaching neurodivergent individuals to hide who they are, let’s focus on creating a world that celebrates and accommodates neurodiversity. It might be easier than we think.
This blog post was co-written by:
Gabriele Nicolet, MA, CCC-SLP Jennifer Glacel, LCSW, RPT-S
Jennifer Glacel, LCSW, RPT-S is the owner of Seven Corners Psychotherapy in Falls Church, Virginia. An Autistic therapist with over 16 years of experience, her practice specializes in using play therapy to provide neurodiversity and LGBTQIA+ affirming therapy to work with people of all ages. Jennifer also provides training in play therapy and understanding neurodivergence through the Seven Corners Psychotherapy Training & Supervision Institute.