The (Seemingly) Inefficient Way to Get Things Done

In a recent post, I wrote this:

Children pull us out of optimization and back into relationship. They require us to notice another person’s rhythms, needs, fears, delights and limits.

Which probably sounds lovely, until you are standing by the front door holding three bags, someone’s water bottle, your keys and ONE SHOE while saying, for the eleventy-billionth time:

“PUT YOUR SHOES ON.”

At that particular moment, you may not be especially interested in anyone’s rhythms, needs, fears, delights or limits.

You would just like the shoe to go on the foot.

I get it.

But here’s the weird thing.

The way to get to something resembling “optimization” with other human beings may actually be through the very thing that looks the least efficient:  Relationship.

My brother-in-law made an observation about diplomacy that got me thinking about all this again.

Diplomacy is fundamentally about building and maintaining relationships. But diplomats also work with limited time, limited people and limited resources. They have things that need to GET DONE.

And apparently, people who are very good at Getting Things Done can sometimes get impatient with all that relationship-building.

It takes too long.

Why can’t we skip the meetings and conversations and pleasantries and just DO THE THING?

Except that for long-term, lasting results, you need both.

You build relationships.

And then, at the right time and in the right way, you can leverage those relationships to accomplish something together.

You see where I’m going with this?  Sounds a lot like parenting, huh?

We have goals. We have appointments. And work. We have to Get Things Done sometimes. And also, in order to get things done with other people (namely, our children), we need their goodwill. They need to be willing to do the things.

And so, it strikes me that maybe what we’re actually looking for with our kids isn’t “optimization.” (Blech.; it’s goodwill.)

It’s another person being willing to cooperate with us—to stop what they’re doing, listen to what we’re asking and, ideally, do it sometime before we all turn to stone.

Goodwill grows in relationship.

Which means that sometimes the quickest route to: “Put your shoes on.” is:

Walk into the room.Get close.Notice what your child is doing.Listen when they say, “WAIT—I’m almost finished.”Actually care that they are almost finished.Then make your request.

This can feel PAINFULLY inefficient. Because you are thinking: I do not have three minutes to discuss this LEGO structure. And maybe you don’t. But you might have 45 seconds to pay attention. And those 45 seconds can communicate:

I see you.You matter to me.I’m not just having a relationship with your behavior.

And it turns out that people are generally more willing to cooperate with people they feel connected to.

This is not a manipulation technique, by the way. You can’t fake listening so that your child will put their shoes on faster. Kids are annoyingly good at detecting that sort of thing. The point is the relationship itself. The increased cooperation is often the dividend.

So here are two experiments to try.

First: connect before the next demand. Before asking your child to stop playing, get dressed, leave the house or start homework, spend 30 seconds entering their world. Look at what they’re doing. Listen. Then ask.

Second: make deposits when you don’t need anything. Spend a few minutes every day following your child’s agenda without teaching, correcting or directing. Play the game. Hear the absurdly long Minecraft explanation. Admire the worm. This is relationship-building when nothing is at stake. (See previous writing on Time In)

Because the paradox of parenting may be this:

Sometimes you have to stop trying to get things done in order to get things done.

You go through presence. You go through listening. You go through relationship. 

And then you get the shoes (mostly. sometimes).

xo G

PS: If every request at your house has started to feel like an international hostage negotiation, I can help. Schedule a 1:1 parent coaching session and we can figure out where the process is getting stuck. And if you’re an employer looking for ways to reduce the very real parenting stress your employees bring to work, I also speak to organizations and run workshops on practical ways to make family life feel more manageable.