Attunement Comes First: The Parenting Superpower You Didn’t Know You Had

Let me say this right from the top: if you’re trying to get your kid to listen, regulate, or just put the peas in their mouth without flinging them across the room—and it’s not working—there’s a really good chance it’s because you skipped a step.

That step? Attunement.

Not to be confused with “being in control” or even “being calm” (though that helps too), attunement is the magical, invisible, deeply physical process of getting in sync with another person. It’s how we create connection before we ask for cooperation. It’s the vibe check, the subtle dance, the “are we even in the same room emotionally right now?” moment.

It’s also not woo-woo. It’s neurobiology.

We humans are sending out signals all the time—through our tone, facial expressions, body language, and even the general vibe we bring into a room. If you’ve ever cooed at a dog while calling them a “useless little garbage goblin” in a singsong voice (guilty), you’ve seen attunement at work. That pup hears your tone, not your words. Same with babies. Same with toddlers. Same with every complicated kid you’ve ever met.

This blog post dives deep into why attunement matters so much—and why trying to “teach” or “discipline” without attunement is basically like trying to give someone instructions in a language they don’t understand.

So what does attunement actually look like in practice?

Here are two actionable things you can try next time you interact with your kiddo:

1. Do a body scan before responding to your child.
Before you redirect, correct, or instruct—pause for three seconds. What’s happening in your body? Are your shoulders up by your ears? Jaw tight? Belly clenched? That’s a closed state. Try breathing out, softening your belly, letting your hands rest. This physical softening is a shortcut to energetic openness—which is a green light for your child’s nervous system to feel safe.

2. Mirror your child’s emotional energy (not the meltdown).
This doesn’t mean if your kid is screaming, you scream too (nope). But it does mean meeting their emotional moment with presence. Sit with them. Nod. Say “I see how upset you are” or just stay quiet and breathe with them. When you attune to their level of intensity (not their behavior), you help regulate their system.

Once you’ve attuned, then—and only then—can you move into the next part: guiding, teaching, asking, redirecting.

This isn’t just a fluffy connection moment. It’s a prerequisite for learning. Brains don’t open up for new information when they’re in fight-or-flight. Attunement brings the body (and the brain) back into a space where kids can hear us and maybe even want to cooperate. (Imagine that!)

And yes, I know what you’re thinking: “But I don’t have time for all this! I just need them to put their shoes on and get in the car!” I hear you. I live in that world too. But here’s the wild thing: attunement actually saves time. The more we practice it, the less resistance we get. And that’s a win for everyone.

Attunement isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence.

So the next time your kiddo “isn’t listening,” ask yourself—are they tuned in to me? And am I tuned in to them? Because if we’re not on the same frequency, we’re not going to get anywhere.

And if you’re wondering how the heck to build this into your daily life (or if you’re worried that you’ve been “doing it wrong”), you are not alone. This is exactly the kind of work I do with parents in coaching sessions: helping you calm the chaos, spot the wins, and raise your kid (complicated or otherwise) with more ease and less second-guessing.

💬 If you’re a parent who’s ready to stop repeating yourself 47 times a day and start building a relationship your child actually wants to be part of, let’s talk. Schedule a free 15-minute coaching call with me using the link in the show notes.

📣 And if you're an employer trying to support your team of parents through the stress of raising kids—reach out. I’d love to speak with your employees about how understanding attunement can radically improve work-life balance and family harmony.

You’ve got this. And you don’t have to do it alone.