Breaking the Authoritarian Parenting Style Cycle: From 'Because I Said So' to Connected Parenting
Your 10-year-old asks why they can't stay up past their bedtime, and your immediate response snaps out: "Because I said so, and I'm the parent."
The conversation ends there, but the tension lingers.
This scenario plays out in countless homes where parents default to authoritarian parenting without realizing the long-term costs of control-based discipline.
Parents who grew up with strict rules often find themselves repeating familiar patterns, especially when stress levels rise. The authoritarian parenting style feels natural because it mirrors what many adults experienced as children. Yet research consistently shows this approach creates more problems than it solves, particularly for families raising children with developmental differences, behavioral challenges or neurodivergence.
The authoritarian parent often believes strict control equals effective parenting, but this assumption usually backfires spectacularly by the teenage years if not before.
Gabriele Nicolet, a parent coach and child development specialist who works with families navigating complex parenting situations, sees the aftermath of authoritarian approaches daily. "I think what they're trying to do is raise somebody who is safe," she explains, noting that parents rarely recognize they're attempting to control another person to reduce their own anxiety.
Understanding the Authoritarian Parenting Style: More Than Just Being Strict
The characteristics of authoritarian parenting extend far beyond having household rules or expecting children to follow directions. This parenting style centers on one core principle: "You, child, do what I say, because I'm the grownup and I'm in charge," according to Nicolet's clinical observations. The authoritarian approach demands compliance without question, without asking why, without needing to understand the reasons, and without regard for one's personal preferences.
Parents practicing an authoritarian parenting style often mistake control for safety.
They believe children need to fear consequences to behave appropriately, but this control-based foundation actually stems from the parents' anxiety rather than the child's developmental needs. "They might be managing their anxiety by controlling another person's actions," Nicolet explains, describing how this pattern becomes insidious when children are young and more easily controlled.
The authoritarian parent typically exhibits specific behavioral patterns that reveal the underlying motivation for control.
These parents get upset when children ask "why" about rules or decisions.
They view any questioning as a sign of disrespect rather than a natural curiosity or developmental growth.
The authoritarian approach also manifests in absolute thinking - situations become "my way or chaos" with no middle ground for negotiation or flexibility.
Age progression reveals how authoritarian parenting evolves but maintains its controlling nature. Young children may comply out of fear or size disadvantage, but adolescents develop strategies to resist or circumvent parental control. "If it doesn't come to explicit conflict, it leaks out in teenagers engaging in riskier behavior than they might otherwise," Nicolet observes. Drug use, sexual activity, and other risky behaviors often increase among teens trying to escape authoritarian control.
The authoritarian parenting style can also be domain-specific, appearing in particular areas where parents feel especially anxious. Driving provides a common example - parents with trauma or anxiety about driving may exert excessive control over their teenager's driving privileges or behavior behind the wheel. This targeted control reveals how authoritarian approaches often mask deeper parental fears rather than addressing actual child development needs. “I’m guilty of this one”, Nicolet admits. Despite their otherwise excellent and open communication style and relationship, “my now young adult daughter won’t drive if I’m in the car. I’m not proud of that.”
Research by Diana Baumrind and subsequent child development studies consistently demonstrate that authoritarian parenting produces children with lower self-esteem and reduced social skills compared to other parenting styles. The high expectations characteristic of authoritarian parents combine with low warmth and responsiveness, creating an environment where children learn compliance but not independent decision-making skills.
Parents practicing this style often grew up in authoritarian households themselves, creating generational cycles of control-based parenting. However, some parents who experienced authoritarian upbringings swing to the opposite extreme, becoming permissive parents who avoid any appearance of control. Neither extreme serves children's developmental needs effectively, particularly for families dealing with neurodivergent children or those with behavioral challenges.
The Authoritarian Parent Self-Assessment
Warning Signs You're Defaulting to Control
Parents often slip into authoritarian patterns without being aware of it, especially during stressful moments. Several behavioral indicators reveal when control-based parenting takes over everyday family interactions.
Getting upset when children ask "why" signals authoritarian tendencies.
Children naturally seek understanding about rules and expectations, but authoritarian parents interpret questions as challenges to their authority. "If you get upset that your kid doesn't want to do it" or "if it feels like it's only your way or total chaos," these reactions indicate control-based thinking, according to Nicolet.
Speaking in absolutes represents another clear warning sign. Phrases like "I demand respect" or "you better..." reveal the authoritarian mindset that views parent-child relationships as power hierarchies rather than developmental partnerships.
When Stress Triggers Authoritarian Responses and Parenting Practices
Research demonstrates that stressed parents tend to revert to familiar patterns, regardless of their intended parenting approach. "When we're stressed, we default to what's familiar," Nicolet explains. Parents who practice authoritative parenting most of the time may suddenly become authoritarian when overwhelmed, tired, or anxious.
This stress-triggered authoritarian behavior often appears domain-specific.
A parent might handle bedtime routines calmly but become controlling about homework completion or social activities.
The shift happens because certain situations trigger deeper parental anxieties about safety, success, or social acceptance.
The Real Impact on Children
Immediate Effects of Authoritarian Parenting on Child Behavior
Children respond to authoritarian parenting in predictable ways that often surprise parents, who expect compliance. "It depends on the child," Nicolet notes, but responses typically range from extreme compliance born from fear to outright resistance and dysregulation.
Some children accommodate authoritarian demands without apparent stress, but this compliance often masks an internal struggle and deep self-criticism on the part of the child.
For neurodivergent children, authoritarian approaches prove particularly problematic because these children cannot easily suppress their natural responses to overwhelming demands.
The Compliance Trap for Children of Authoritarian Parents
High compliance levels may appear successful but should provoke concern. "Anytime you've got a high degree of compliance, you've got a low degree of independence and self-sufficiency, self-actualization," Nicolet explains. Children who always follow orders never learn to make decisions, advocate for themselves, or develop personal identity.
This compliance trap becomes evident during adolescence, when children need to develop independence skills for healthy development.
Teens who never learned decision-making skills often struggle with identity formation and may engage in risky behaviors, such as delayed rebellion.
Long-Term Developmental Consequences
Adults raised with authoritarian parenting typically develop one of several problematic patterns.
Some become people-pleasers who "say yes to everybody, every all the time, and then they burn themselves out."
Others swing to the opposite extreme, saying "no to everybody" and living isolated lives that research shows harm longevity and wellbeing.
A third outcome involves repeating authoritarian patterns in their own relationships. These adults "may get into relationships where they're trying to use control of the other person because that's what they saw" during childhood.
Breaking the Pattern: Practical Steps for Change
Step 1: Build Awareness First
Change begins with recognition, not immediate behavior modification. "Just notice when you are feeling that way and that's it," Nicolet advises parents starting this process. Awareness enables parents to recognize and address authoritarian impulses before they escalate into control battles.
Step 2: Transform Your Language
Specific phrase changes can immediately alter parent-child dynamics. Instead of "You better listen" or "You better do this," parents can ask, "Have you thought about..." This small change opens a dialogue rather than demanding submission.
Nicolet suggests teaching children to modify their requests as well. Rather than asking "Mom, can I go to a friend's house?" children can ask "Mom, what are your thoughts about me going to a friend's house?" This shift allows parents to be reflective rather than reflexively controlling.
Step 3: Learn to Repair Relationships
Most parents never consider apologizing to children, but apologizing builds trust and models accountability. "If you flew off the handle and you said some things that you really did not, in hindsight, you wished you hadn't said," parents can return and acknowledge their mistakes.
Effective apologies focus on the parent's behavior, not the child's reaction. Parents might say: "I am so sorry that I said what I said. I was scared. I was upset. I wasn't thinking clearly."
Moving Toward Connection Over Control
The Alternative Approach
Authoritative parenting provides a research-backed approach that balances structure with respect for children's developmental needs. This approach combines high expectations with high warmth, creating environments where children can grow into "functional, independent happy, self-aware adults."
The key difference lies in motivation - authoritative parents lead families rather than control them. They set boundaries based on child development knowledge rather than anxiety management.
When Professional Support Helps
Parents struggling to break authoritarian cycles often benefit from parent coaching. "A coach is not in the business of judging people for what they're doing," Nicolet explains. Instead, coaching helps parents "spot their own thought patterns and understand why they're taking the actions that they are taking."
Gabriele Nicolet's parent coaching services provide exactly this type of non-judgmental support, helping families develop strategies that work for their specific situations.
It's Never Too Late to Change Our Style of Parenting
Breaking authoritarian patterns requires effort but produces lasting family improvements. "It's never too late" to shift approaches, though parents should expect "layers of history and behavior on top of what's going on," Nicolet reflects.
The investment in change pays dividends in reduced family conflict, stronger parent-child relationships, and children who develop into confident, capable adults. Parents who make this shift often discover that connection proves far more effective than control ever was.