Connection, Not Perfection: What Strong-Willed Kids Are Really Teaching Us
Why Perfectionism is Hurting Us
So many of us walk into parenting with a giant invisible weight strapped to our backs: the pressure to do it "right." And not just right—perfect. We're fed an endless stream of advice, milestones, “shoulds,” and social media comparisons that make us believe our kids' behavior is a direct reflection of our competency. When things go sideways (as they inevitably do), we don’t just feel frustrated—we feel shame.
But perfectionism in parenting is not just unrealistic; it’s undesirable. Our kids don’t need to see us model flawlessness—they need to see us model how to recover, reconnect, and repair. Our mistakes can actually become some of our most powerful parenting moments if we use them to reinforce connection.
Redefining Respect
Let’s reclaim the word respect. So often, it’s used as a synonym for obedience or compliance—especially when it comes to parenting strong-willed kids. But what if we flipped that script?
What if respect meant validating your child’s experience and perspective as worthy—even when you don’t agree with it?
When your child resists, it might not be defiance. It might be new information. When we pause and consider their view, we shift from enforcing blind compliance to fostering mutual understanding.
The Sink Model (And Why You're Overflowing)
Imagine your emotional capacity like a sink. When it’s full—due to stress, lack of sleep, overwhelm—just one more drop will send it overflowing. And when your sink is full, your kid’s overflowing sink just floods yours more. Dysregulation becomes contagious.
This is why we explode when we swore we’d stay calm. Why we hear our own parents’ voices coming out of our mouths. Why we react in ways we regret.
It’s not just willpower. It’s neuroscience.
So What Can You Actually Do?
Here are two things you can try right away:
Swap “but” for “and.”
This tiny language tweak can be transformative. Try saying, “I know this is hard and I’m here to help,” instead of “I know this is hard, but we have to go.” “And” holds both your truth and your child’s. It keeps the door open for connection.Do a Spring Cleaning of Your Shoulds.
Ask yourself: Are you running errands, volunteering for things, or pushing through bedtime routines because you “should,” or because it truly serves your family right now? Get honest. Give yourself permission to let go of what doesn’t align with your values or your kid’s actual needs.
Your Strong-Willed Child is Not Broken
This is the part where it gets beautiful: Our strong-willed kids—the ones who dig in, refuse to comply, and seem like they’re allergic to “because I said so”—are not broken. They’re practicing self-advocacy. They’re developing the exact skills we hope they’ll use someday to stand up to peer pressure, to draw healthy boundaries, and to demand respect in relationships.
If they can’t “just go along,” it’s not defiance. It’s their neurobiology. They can’t comply just for compliance’s sake.
And it’s a gift.
A hard, exhausting, make-you-question-everything kind of gift—but a gift nonetheless.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If this resonates with you, I want to invite you to schedule a 1:1 parent coaching session with me. You don’t have to untangle all of this by yourself. Whether you’re feeling defeated, unsure, or just plain exhausted, I’ll help you uncover what’s getting in the way of connection and offer strategies tailored to your family.
Employers—if your teams include parents (and they almost certainly do), I’d love to come talk to your staff about how reducing parenting stress increases productivity, morale, and retention.
Let’s help your complicated kids—and their beautifully imperfect parents—thrive.
xo,
G