Your Child Isn't a Project

Here’s a sentence that popped out of my mouth during a coaching session recently:

“You’re not the doll maker.” 

(!!!)

To be honest, I was a bit blunter than I usually am during a session. And, I was also sure that this particular client was ready to hear things this way.

I love this metaphor because so much of parenting, especially of complicated kids, can start to feel like a very long, very high-stakes craft project.

We’re sanding the rough edges. Adding the missing pieces. Trying to make sure everything is functioning properly. Speech? Check. Manners? Working on it. Friendships? Needs improvement. Emotional regulation? Dear God. Executive functioning? Please see me after class.

And somewhere along the way, without really meaning to, we can start relating to our child like they are an unfinished object we’ve been assigned to complete. If we just parent well enough, explain clearly enough, get the right therapist, choose the right school, enforce the right boundaries, expose them to enough activities, teach enough life skills… Maybe we can get them across the finish line.

Except:

There is no finish line. And you are not a doll maker. Your child is a person who is unfolding.

The distinction matters because perfectionism loves a project. Projects have deadlines. Benchmarks. Deliverables. Expected outcomes. (Cue the angels singing.)

Human beings? Not so much. (whomp whomp)

Development happens on its own weird schedule. Some kids learn things early. Some learn them late. Some appear to have mastered something and then completely forget how to do it for six months. Some are incredibly mature in one area and wildly behind in another.

And then (plot twist) they become adults and KEEP DEVELOPING. It’s very rude, as I can attest. My own kids are young adults now, and one of the strangest parts of parenting adult children is realizing how little control I ever actually had over the final product. They have their own ideas. Their own timing. Their own relationships. Their own mistakes to make. Their own lives.

Which is exactly what was supposed to happen. The work of parenting was never to finish them. It was to know them, support them, and create enough safety and structure for them to develop into more and more of themselves. And then, over time, to get out of the way.

That last part can be HARD, especially if you have spent years worrying about your child. Especially if your child is developing differently from other kids. Especially if you became very, very good at anticipating problems and finding solutions.

That vigilance may have served you both beautifully for a long time. But eventually, some of our parenting work becomes asking: Is this still mine to do?

Here are two ways to practice.

First, when you notice yourself wanting to correct, fix, remind or intervene, ask: “Is there an actual problem here, or am I uncomfortable with the way my child is doing this?”

Those are very different things.

Second, experiment with letting one low-stakes thing unfold without your input. Don’t remind. Don’t suggest. Don’t improve the plan. Just watch what happens. Will they struggle? Maybe. Might they surprise you? Probably.

Maybe they do it completely differently from how you would have done it. Excellent. That’s their life taking shape. Letting go does not mean abandoning our kids or refusing to help them. It means recognizing that their developmental timeline belongs to them. 

You are not manufacturing a finished human. You are in relationship with a person who will continue becoming themselves long after they stop needing you to manage the process.

Might that be freeing? It turns out, you were never supposed to finish them. You just get to love them while they become.

If you’re struggling to figure out what is still yours to manage—and what might be ready to belong to your child—I work with parents 1:1 on exactly this kind of thing. We can chat first to see if working together might be a fit.

xo G