Talking to Kids About Death is Hard. Do It Anyway.
I know. This is not the blog post you were hoping for.
You were hoping for something lighter. Something like, "3 Ways to Get Your Toddler to Eat Peas!" or "How to End Bedtime Battles Once and For All!"
But here we are. Talking about death.
And if you’re still reading this, it’s probably because you already know something big: our kids are already thinking about it.
They see dead birds. They hear about pets who pass. They attend funerals. And the (sort of counterintuitive) thing is, when we avoid talking about death, we don’t protect them from it. We just leave them confused and scared and alone with their feelings.
In an early episode of the Complicated Kids Podcast, I talked with grief counselor and dear friend Martha Adler, who reminded me (again) that death is part of life, and that talking about it with honesty and clarity is one of the most powerful ways we prepare our kids for life’s hardest moments.
Here’s the thing: Our job isn’t to shield kids from loss. Our job is to prepare them for it.
It doesn’t mean turning every bathtime into a meditation on mortality (please don’t). But it does mean telling the truth when a pet dies, or when a grandparent is nearing the end of life. It means saying the word "death" instead of hiding behind euphemisms like “gone to sleep” or “passed away.” And yes, it means letting kids come to funerals, so they can see what it looks like to grieve, to honor, to remember.
When we let our kids in on a normal human process, something extraordinary happens: we let kids practice. Practice feeling big feelings. Practice seeing adults cry and not fall apart. Practice saying goodbye.
And it’s worth it to practice, as Martha put it, with the smaller losses, so they’re not flattened by the big ones.
Two things you can do this week:
Tell the truth in age-appropriate ways. Instead of saying “he passed,” say “he died.” Instead of “she’s sleeping forever,” say, “when someone dies, they don’t breathe or eat or talk anymore.” Kids will come back to this conversation over and over, and that’s okay. You’ll just keep meeting them with calm, honest answers.
Bring them in when someone dies. If it’s someone your child knew and loved, let them be part of the goodbye. That might mean attending a memorial service, drawing a picture to send to a grieving family member, or lighting a candle and telling a story. Death doesn’t have to be hidden in the shadows. We can bring it into the light gently and clearly and with love.
One of the things Martha said that stuck with me was this: “Grief is sad. It’s not bad.”
That’s it. That’s the whole point
If you’re a parent navigating a loss, or if you’re trying to figure out how to talk to your child about death before (or after!) it comes to your door, you’re not alone. I’ve been there. I can help.
You can schedule a 1:1 coaching session with me to talk through what’s going on, get some support, and find your footing. And if you're an employer looking to support your workforce of parents, I’d love to come speak with your team about how to reduce parenting stress at home so your people can thrive at work.
You do not have to navigate tricky stuff alone.
xo
G