The Problem with Experts
It’s time for a reset around here.
I’ve been struggling lately. There are some things shifting internally for me this season. That's changing the way I think about my work, and it’s changing the way I think about you. The “things” are not new, but they are finally ripening, developing more fully.
So this week, we are not talking about child development or parenting (for once). This week, we are talking about the problem with “Experts”.
As someone who is supposed to be a “child development expert”, I struggle with the potential to have power over someone.
One one hand, I do know more than the average bear about child development. I have internalized developmental milestones; I’ve honed my “clinical eye”; and I’ve developed my “spidey senses” for when something wants more attention. I help parents see and understand all that.
On the other hand, I want to be very clear: I don’t know more than you about YOUR child.
I can come with suggestions or tips or strategies. I can frame child development for you. I can help bring you some awareness about the way brains work (yours and theirs).
But at the end of the day, YOU are the only person who knows whether strategies, tips, mindset shifts or even the general framework will work (because they resonate and you’d like to try them) or not (because you’ve tried them already and they didn’t work or because they really don’t resonate at this point).
FULL PERMISSION GRANTED TO IGNORE ME AND ALL OF MY ADVICE.
(and ps - you don’t need my permission either!)
Seriously.
A few weeks ago, in the “The Regulation Fairy Isn’t Coming” post, I suggested that parents’ nervous system regulation matters most. I gave two strategies: 1) for parents to check in with their own nervous systems first and 2) to plan for predictable moments when feasible to help guard against parent dysregulation.
I got feedback on those strategies, and it wasn’t comfortable. Because what I didn’t put into that particular post was:
It’s ok to lose your sh*t. A lot.
Repair is actually more important than “staying calm”.
Regulation isn’t just about staying calm.
Your kids care most that you know how you feel than whether you’re perfectly tranquil all the time.
You will find that information in some of my other blog posts and in other elements of my work. But not in that post.
And so, here’s where my being an “expert” does you no good at all UNLESS you can discern whether my particular piece of advice resonates for you in the moment.
If reading what I’ve written ever makes you feel ashamed or guilty or like you’re doing something wrong, I am sorry. It is never my intent to do that.
And, I also know that not everything I say will be a match for everyone reading. And that’s ok too.
Take what you want; leave the rest. None of it is required.
I am not the expert on your family: YOU ARE. (And, having lived through being the expert in my family, I can understand how triggering that might feel some days!)
I’m here to support you and your kiddos. I’m also here to help you feel seen and understood whenever I can. But I will not hit the “right” notes every time.
And when I don’t, please send both of us (me and you) some compassion, close whatever you’re reading, and go do something more productive.
xo G