Your Autistic Child Doesn’t Need You to Disappear—They Need You to Be Fully You
One of the most painful traps we fall into as parents, especially if you’re raising neurodivergent kids, is believing that in order to help our children thrive, we need to give everything. And then some more.
We pour ourselves out.
We over-function, over-manage, over-anticipate, over-solve and over-triage.
We think: “If I just love harder, give more, push through, suppress my needs, maybe then…”
And then what? Our child will regulate? Speak? Stop melting down? Feel safe? Have enough?
Here's what I’ve come to understand over years of walking this road with parents of complicated kids: your autistic child doesn’t need you to give yourself away on their behalf. They need you to fully show up as yourself.
They need you embodied.
And if you’re wondering what the hell that even means, keep reading.
Being embodied means living in your body and your mind in an integrated way. It means knowing what you feel, recognizing your boundaries, and honoring your own needs. Not just your kids’. It’s trusting your own nervous system so that your child can begin to trust theirs.
Autistic kids are exquisitely sensitive to the energy and regulation (or dysregulation) of the adults around them. They feel when we’re pretending to be calm while internally screaming. They feel when we’re carrying resentment masked as over-sacrifice. They feel when we’re hollowed out and running on fumes.
And guess what? They can't draw regulation from a parent who has gone missing from their own body and mind.
Your presence is the regulation tool
So many parents ask me, “What tools can I use to help my child regulate?”
And my answer is often something like: You are the tool.
Not the “burnt out, surviving on caffeine and guilt” version of you.
The real you.
The honest you.
The embodied you who says:
“I need a moment to breathe before I respond.”
“I’m getting overwhelmed; let’s take a break together.”
“I’m here with you. I don’t have the answer, but I’m not going anywhere.”
Even if it means they escalate. Yes. Really.
This is what regulation looks like. Not fixing or performing. Just showing up.
What does this mean for our parenting?
Here are two things you can try this week:
Check in with your body first.
Before stepping in to “help” your child through a meltdown or moment of dysregulation, pause and check in with your own body. Are your shoulders tense? Are you holding your breath? Can you feel your feet on the floor? Take one deep breath before doing anything else. Then decide: do I need to calm me before I can help them?Let your child see you take care of yourself.
You don’t need to “power through” every hard moment. Instead, narrate your own regulation strategy: “I’m feeling a little frazzled, so I’m going to sit here and drink some water for a few minutes.” You are modeling exactly what they’ll need to do for themselves one day.
This doesn’t mean your child won’t still need support. But when you are embodied, your presence becomes a regulating force. It becomes a thing that allows your child to borrow calm from you, to feel safe with you, and eventually to learn how to embody themselves too.
Because the goal here is not to “fix” your child or become their emotional processing unit.
The goal is to be a grounded human who can walk beside them as they become grounded humans too.
And if you’re feeling so poured out that embodiment feels like a distant fantasy, I want you to know: you’re not doing it wrong. You’re not failing. You just need support too.
If you want to explore how to get re-grounded and rediscover that embodied version of you, schedule a 1:1 parent coaching session with me. Or, if you're an employer who wants to reduce the stress your parent-employees carry home every day, let's talk about how I can help support your team.
Kids thrive when parents are fully themselves for real.
xo
G