The Parenting Triangle You Didn’t See Coming (But Definitely Felt)
You’ve seen this movie before.
Your neurodivergent child “misbehaves.” They’re stressed or tired or just DONE. Maybe it’s a full-blown meltdown over the wrong-colored cup. Maybe it’s a scream and a door slam over being asked to brush teeth or put on their shoes. Whatever the specific flavor, your nervous system does the Thing — the squeeze in your chest, the flood of thoughts, the clench in your jaw. You’re off to the dysregulation races.
And without even realizing it, you’ve stepped into a triangle.
A Parenting Triangle has three active parts:
Your dysregulated child.
Your reactive adult self.
Your ignored inner child.
The third part is the one that most of us try to shove away. We think we’re just dealing with a tough kid. But really, there’s a conversation happening beneath the surface, and it sounds something like:
“No one held space for me when I lost it as a kid.”
“I didn’t get regulated. I got punished.”
“Why should they get all this patience and co-regulation when I had to suck it up and move on?”
Sound familiar? (Maybe not yet. But take note: you’ll see it next time.)
We don’t like that voice. It makes us uncomfortable. So we label it "indulgent" or "irrelevant" or “just my stuff,” and shove it aside in the name of trying to be a Grownup.
But here’s the thing: ignoring that voice doesn’t make it go away. It just makes it louder in sneakier ways. Like shouting at your child to calm down while you're vibrating with frustration. Or insisting that “it’s not a big deal” through gritted teeth. Or going cold and silent instead of connected and supportive.
When our nervous systems are activated, we go into survival mode. But for many of us, it’s not just our child’s behavior that’s triggering us. It’s the echoes of our own childhoods. The moments when we were punished instead of soothed. Ignored instead of understood. Expected to cope in ways we had no tools for.
And I’m not necessarily talking about Trauma-Capital-T here. You might have that. Or you might have had a loving, “normal” upbringing. The triangle can still happen.
So what’s the way out of the triangle?
Here are two things to try the next time your child is spiraling and you feel yourself about to react:
1. Pause for a mini-check-in.
Before jumping into discipline mode (or even co-regulation mode), take three seconds to ask: What’s my inner child needing right now? Maybe it’s to be told, “You’re safe.” Or “It’s okay to not know what to do.” Maybe it’s just to be seen. You don’t have to “solve” anything. You just have to notice.
Naming that need gives it less power over you. It interrupts the shame loop that fuels harsh reactions.
2. Speak out loud to both of you.
Try a sentence that comforts both your actual child and the one inside you:
“This is hard, and I’m right here.”
“I didn’t learn this as a kid, but I’m learning now.”
“We both need kindness right now.”
It might feel awkward at first. That’s okay. You’re re-parenting yourself in real time while parenting your child. That’s no small thing. It’s a big deal, actually.
Acknowledging and letting your inner child speak up isn’t indulgent. It’s wise. It’s regulated. And it might just be the thing that allows you to stay calm enough to offer your child the connection and co-regulation they need.
You don’t need to have had perfect parents to be a great one. And you don’t need to create a perfect childhood for your kiddo. But you do need to be honest about how your own history shows up when things go sideways at home.
This is the work I do in 1:1 coaching sessions — unpacking your nervous system responses, building co-regulation strategies that actually work, and most of all, breaking the cycle so your child doesn’t have to do this work alone later.
If you’re tired of trying to stay calm while ignoring the storm inside, let’s talk. You can schedule a 1:1 coaching call with me to unpack some of this.
We’re all carrying inner children into our parenting. The goal isn’t to silence them. It’s to listen long enough to change the story.
xo
G